The Downside of Being a Submissive

I have read about how submissive's have many highs and just as many lows.

It's my time now to express my feelings of being low.

I had the most wonderful weekend with him, Sir.  It was his Birthday and I had planned many things for us to do.  A very vanilla meal on the Saturday night.

Even when we are out, in public, I know my place.   I do test Sir sometimes and tease, it's a little thing we do together, but I know not to push too far as there will be consequences.

On the Sunday we headed into London,  browsed the shops.  Where I spied a beautiful chain lead, it was made of a nice light metal and even the handle was chain.  I bought this for him for his birthday, of course it would be me on the end of it!  We had a lovely lunch, looked at a few more shops then headed back to my house.

We decided to watch a film and just chill out.  I fell asleep, I hate when I do this, but Sir is kind and lets me sleep.  He knows how tired I get sometimes and just lays with me, holding me close and ensuring I'm ok.

After the film had finished and I had woken, he commanded me to undress. I had the fire on and the sun was going down outside.  I asked if I could leave one thing on, he said yes, only one.  So I decided to leave my knickers on.  Oh, I forgot to say, I was also wearing the beautiful collar that Sir had bought me a couple of weeks ago.

Sir lay down a blanket on the living room floor.  Attached the lead to my collar and pulled me close and kissed me.  Then pulled me down to kneel in front of him but with my back to him.

Next I felt rope around my body, just under my bust, then around my shoulders, arms, wrists.  My arms were tied behind my back.  Sir even bound my fingers.  This frustrated me a little as I like to touch and feel the rope between my fingers, but with my fingers like this I couldn't move at all.  Next I was laying on my stomach, my ankles crossed and tied, also my thighs, this was attached to the rope that bound my arms.  Next I felt rope across my face and in my mouth.  That was the last I really remember.

I was now there, in that place that he takes me to.  I get there really quickly when Sir ties me with rope.  I'm sort of there but not.  Again he told me afterwards that he touched my feet.  Now you will think, what's wrong with that.  I die when my feet are touched.  I'm so ticklish and scream.  Yet he touches them and I don't even flinch.  Sir loves it when he does this and knows I'm totally in subspace.  I just wish I could see it, I still can't believe he does it to me.  It makes me get the shivers even when I think about it.

Sir was then concerned that the rope on my arm was too tight, so he removed the rope on my mouth and arms.  I started to cry, I got so emotional.  Subspace was subsiding.  The tears were not from coming back to reality, but because I hate when he takes the rope off.  I feel naked!  Sir checked I was ok, I couldn't even speak, the words wouldn't come out.

I love rope as much as Sir does, this is how we met, with rope.  I will post that wonderful day here soon. 

After a long session of rope, being used in many ways and forced to come on command.  The time came that Sir had to leave.

This is when the sadness sets in, being alone, not hearing his voice, feeling his touch, hearing his heartbeat, the force of his hand around my throat as he kisses me.

When I woke this morning I sat there in bed, feeling low, looking at the empty side where he had slept.  I sighed, sniffled and touched his collar I had slept in all night.  I didn't want to take it off, but I had work, so reluctantly removed it and put it away in the drawer with the chain lead.

I have a daily ritual of sending Sir an email every morning, mostly work days as we spend most weekends together.  As I sat and described in detail how I was feeling, tears rolled down my face.  I hoped subdrop was not going to descend on me.  I haven't yet had it, but feeling so low and sad did make me wonder if I was going to have to experience it.  Sir does give me lots of aftercare, it's the one thing he always ensures he gives me after playing.  I was so low, missing him like crazy.  I never thought I would feel like this about someone, but I did, I felt it about him.

I knew I would have to snap out of feeling like this otherwise I was definitely going to feel worse.  So I thought back to the wonderful time we had spent together over the weekend.  I managed to crack a smile as I hit the send button to send the email I had just typed.

It's hard feeling like this, even more so when I don't know what happened when I was in subspace, it does worry me sometimes.  I know Sir cares and has my welfare at heart, but I suppose it's that loss of control, the control he has over me and my willingness to please him in whatever way he chooses.  But I know I shouldn't worry as I know he will watch how my body reacts as he pushes me and tests my limits.

But that feeling of being alone and reminiscing over the time we spent is what hurts, it makes me sad and it's the time I wish he was here and I am either in his arms or kneeling before him.

I miss you Sir, I hope you enjoyed your Birthday weekend as much as I did.

I love you x

The Collar

Sir and I have talked about collars.  What they mean to us, what they signify.  How he, would like me to have many collars, some for play, some for training, some for when we are at clubs, munches etc...  Even a permanent one that I can wear when we are not together.  Of course this would be something like a piece of jewellery as I think I may get some funny looks at work otherwise.

Of course collars mean different things to many people.  I have read many posts and blogs on peoples advice and opinions, but one thing was always at the forefront of my mind.  Whatever we did, it would be special to us, no rules, no guidelines to follow, it would mean something to only us.

A couple of weekends ago we went to a munch, they have an after party and Sir requested me to take a change of clothing as he wanted to play.

This would be the first time we had been together at this munch for the whole time and I was so looking forward to it.  I packed a see through netted dress, black lacy thong, as I knew if he wanted to use CP on me there would be no need to worry about knickers.  Lacy holdups and shiny black high heels.

We picked a friend up on the way and headed into town.  Traffic was crazy and I was getting impatient.  One of the things I look forward to are the workshops.  This time was one on impact play.  Even though it's not me administering any pain, it's a good thing for me to understand also the submissive side of things, the dangers, etc...  The other workshop was about Needle Play, it wasn't quite a workshop but more a discussion and chat for people who had questions.  This is one area Sir and I are intrigued with, it's not high up on our list of things to do, but I would love for him to adorn my skin with needles and ribbon, making my back look like a corset.  Maybe one day.

We managed to park and got there just in time.  After the first workshop we decided to get a drink, chat with friends and then head to look around the stalls.

At one stall Sir was looking at collars, I shied away but he beckoned me back towards him and said did I like the one he had in his hand.  I felt nervous, only because I didn't think he would want to get me one this soon.  He had ordered one, but it still had not arrived.  I suppose really it was more of me being scared.  Of course I want to wear one for him.  Feel proud that it's his collar I am wearing.  But also it's the thought of what other people think.  I know I shouldn't care, but I do have a thing about what other people think about me.  It stems from my past, being judged etc......

As I stood there whilst he kept looking I fidgeted, I wasn't sure now that this was the right time.  But I went back to our comments about what a collar means to us, then realised he was doing it for us.  Not for everyone to know I was his, that was obvious already.  Not a reminder to me, I submit even when we are in vanilla situations.

After he had tried many on my neck and asked my opinion, of course my answer was, "whatever you think Sir, it's your decision".  Sir chose a beautiful black patent leather collar with three rings, one at the front and one either side.  It was a lockable collar.  As he locked it in place I felt quite emotional.  I wanted to walk away right then, but looked in the mirror at the beautiful collar he had chosen that adorned my neck.  Again I did not say anything when he asked me if I liked it.  I'm sure I blushed, I felt warm, then said "come on lets go", of course he said "don't walk away, I haven't finished here yet".  Of course I want to wear his collar, be by his side as others look and see I'm his.  But I also had a fear of total commitment.  I had given myself to him, he owned me now, so the least I could do, was stand patiently and wait.

A couple more were tried on but he decided on the black patent lockable collar.  I thanked him and kissed him.  My heart did somersaults, I now know how other sub's have felt when a collar had been placed on them for the first time.  You can read so much, try to understand others' feelings, but only know the true emotions when it happens to you.

The collar was saved for a special time, all I will say is, Sir was pleased and so was I as he used me while it adorned my neck.

Thank you Sir, it's beautiful.